THE MEANING BEHIND IT ALL

Maybe I should explain what my blog means… One day I was browsing through names that I would one day like to name my child (not that I am having one anytime soon) and I came across “Skylar.” It means “Eternal life, strength, love, and beauty.” These are all of the things that I believe in. Life is the journey that I live and learn from. Strength is what I always somehow muster up to get through all of my ordeals. Love is what I’ll always believe in nomatter what happened in my past relationships. And beauty is timeless. Not physical beauty. But inner beauty. The beauty of the arts. The beauty of life, strength, and love… all of these things are timeless. They are everlasting. These are the things that no one can take away from you even if they sell their soul to the devil. This is my blog…

And as I found Skylar, I found Akanke also, which is what I will be calling myself from now on. It means "To know her is to love her.”

All of my life I have been misunderstood. Misunderstood by my parents, my friends, my family, boyfriends, coworkers… EVERYONE… Everyone seems to swear that they know me up and down, inside and out, round and about, and whatever else you can think of. But they don’t know. They seem to have this image of me; this set, frozen, carved in stone image, that if you compare them side by side, contrast each other like water and oil. It just doesn’t mix.

To some I am the stubborn, loose, foul mouthed, rebellious, disrespectful bitch. To some I am the crazy, silly, funny, spontaneous, party girl. To some I am the quiet, emotional, spiritual, think too much perfectionist. To some I am the know what she’s doing, has everything going for her, wish I was her, independent, headstrong leader.

Well guess what y’all?

I am all of these things and none of these things. I am who I am. I will not bind myself to labels. I will not limit my self-identity to what you think of me. To what you want to see of me. To what you want me to be. To what you wish I wouldn’t be… I am who I am. I am a child of God. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a coworker, a lover. I am who I am…

To know me is to love me.

AT NIGHT I LAY IN BED

At night I lay in bed. And I think about a gabillion zillion things. Maybe this is why I never get any sleep. My bedtime is at least 4, or 5, or 6, or 7, or 8, or 9 every night/ morning even if I have to go to work at 10 in the morning. It’s cool how I’m a zombie at work everyday and nobody notices. Lol…

When I’m all alone, even when I’m surrounded by people, my mind RACES… Not like “Hmm, what am I going to eat today?” but more like the past, the present, the future, my life, my career, love, life, friends, God, family, conversations…etc etc. Imagine playing the lowest note on the piano and moving your fingers to the right, playing in order, getting all the way to the highest note and then smashing your 10 fingers on the first 10 keys that you see, repeatedly, in no kind of rhythm, and then banging your whole arm on the keys, then banging your head on the keys, and then you just jump on top of the piano, stomping on the keys with your torn shoes. And then you grab a grenade out of nowhere and throw it at the precious instrument and watch it explode.

That is how my mind feels every day. And every night. It doesn’t matter if I’m holding a conversation with someone, my mind is still running. It’s like my mind has a mind of its own. Now mind you, I am NOT crazy. Lol. The last time I checked I wasn’t bipolar or schizo or anything of that sort. I just think wayyyyyy too much. Almost borderline unhealthily.

I hate sharing my thoughts and feelings. The only person I tell everything to is God. And I don’t even have to tell him because he already knows :-). And you can catch most of my thoughts in my songs. But besides God, no one can get into my head like that. No one can get into my business like that. I am extremely extremely private. A yellow and black “do not cross” taped, thorn-filled, barbed wired, booby trapped, invisible bubble surrounds me and my thoughts and only the closest of the close can get a glimpse inside. But I only let them know what I want them to know.

So in sharing my thoughts with you (in Dane Cook’s voice) “You’re a lucky bastard/ bitch” whichever you prefer. I will try to be as open as possible. I will try to direct my fingers to type a portion of what my mind is thinking. Maybe in doing so will buy some time for my head not to explode, let others in a little more, discover things that I never even dared to imagine, and help you internet geeks discover something about yourself also :-).

Thanx for reading. Until next time… Akanke