CHRISTMAS

This Christmas started off kinda rough. Everyone's cash flow was low so we had to make the best of what we had. Our roommate ( I'll call her Cali because that's where she's from) quit her job and was looking for another one. Actor's younger brother's (I'll call him B-Ball cuz he lives & breathes basketball) girlfriend (I"ll call her Sci-Fi cuz that's her nickname) purse got stolen by one of her coworkers. It was dirty man; they emptied her bank account. And she was about to get a car too.

But anywhos, all of us did what we had to do to get each other at least one great gift. I hate getting stupid gifts. I'd rather you not get me anything than to get me some socks or gloves for Christmas. I mean sure I could always use some more, but as a Christmas gift? That's kinda sorry. Like one of Actor's uncles would say "Ummm... SOMEbody needs to step their game up *chuckle chuckle*"

Everybody chipped in to get a real Christmas tree. Me and Actor went to Lowe's and got us a 6ft tree for $30 bucks. hehe. I love getting good stuff for cheap :-). It was my 1st real tree in my first apartment. It was cool. Double :-).

We decided to have Christmas dinner at our place this year. We were gonna go to Savannah but things didn' t turn out as expected so we stayed in Atl. I cooked meatballs, cornbread, jambalaya, shrimp alfredo pasta, vegetables, and brownies for desert. Cali helped me out.

It was just family there: Me, Actor, Cali, her boyfriend & Actor's music mate (I'll call him Gameboy cuz he loves games), B-Ball, Sci-Fi, and Actor's youngest brother Meatball. The Fro was out of town.

After dinner we all gathered around the tree to open presents. Actor got sooo many presents. lol. loser. I got him a PSP that he's been hinting about since forever. (Got his ars too cuz he really thought he wasn't gonna get one) I also got him the Metal Gear Solid game to go with the PSP, a green Ecko hoodie, couple of Dvds, and a whole bunch of little knick knacks for stocking stuffers. He got me a diamond cross necklace that I've been wanting foreverrr (Got my ars too cuz I thought it was in a box under the tree but it was on the bottom of my stocking.) I cried when I saw the box. lol. It was very emotional for some reason. He got teary-eyed too. We're gay we know. Screw you *mugs*... He also got me these hard Nikes. It was white, gold, and red with flower embroidery on it. He always get me shoes. I'm not a shoe person so I don't ever buy any for myself. Occasionally I will but I'll buy stillettos. lol. I think every single pair of sneaks I have he bought for me. He also got me lots of little knick knacks that I like.

Cali & Gameboy bought me a green/brown polka dot shirt and matching necklace & earrings. We bought him some black Vans and an XOXO purse for her.

Sci-Fi & B-Ball got Bre a brown jacket and matching Nikes. They got me an electronic photo frame. It's hardddd. It changes pix and can play video and mp3 songs too. I love it! Me & Actor are gadget junkies.

B-Ball got a PSP too. Brothers I tell you... First Actor wanted one & me and B-Ball went & bought it. Then B-Ball saw how hard it was & told Sci- Fi that he wanted one too. We told them that we couldn't afford it to throw them off, but they both GOT GOT cuz they really weren't expecting it.

We got Actor's mom a silver & gold DKNY watch. Pop got some shoes. We got Fro a blue watch too.

We went to the movies to see Rocky Balboa. That's one of my favorite series of movies. It was great. We loved it.

Overall, our Christmas was blessed & filled with family, friends, great food, and great presents. I couldn't have asked for anything better.


Thanks for reading. Until next time... Akanke

THANKSGIVING

This Thanksgiving went by as sort of a blur. Since my family don't celebrate anything I usually spend my holidays with Actor and his family. But his parents are going through some sort of separation phase so they're not together for this occasion. We were invited to his cousin's house so we came through to show our face and ate a little bit. The food was alright. It wasn't the best but we're thankful to even have a hot meal so we can't complain. lol. We then went to our friend Fro's house to chill with his family for a bit. I'll call him Fro because he has this huge fro that people be diving in and getting lost and reach the other side of Narnia and shat. But yea... Me, Actor, Fro, and a couple other people went to the movies to see Casino Royale. It was great. The chase scene at the beginning was CRAZYYYYYYYYYY; that's a movie worth checking out.

By the way, if I haven't mentioned, I love movies. That's one of my passions. I 'll stay in (or go out) and watch movies all day if I could. I also want to be an actress one day. I'm working towards it :-)

But anyhoos, for this Thanksgiving I'm thankful for: my life, my family and friends, Actor and his family and friends, love, joy, happiness, pain, good times, bad times, everything and anything inbetween. They have all made me a stronger and better person and I'm grateful for everything. I hope you have lots to be thankful for too.

Thanx for reading. Until next time... Akanke

SLEEP & THE LACK THEREOF

I've been up all night...

Actor has a cold and he's not feeling too well. We went to sleep and I woke up a few minutes later because I was hot. I rubbed his arms as always and I felt that that was where the heat was coming from. I felt his shirt and it was damp. I felt his forehead and it was soaking wet. I got up, got a washcloth and patted his face down. He stirred and woke up for 20 seconds and fell back asleep. I've been up all night ever since just to check up on him. Gotta make sure my baby is ok.

I love watching him sleep. He's so beautiful (in a manly way of course. lol) He looks so innocent and peaceful that it gives me a peace of mind. When I wake up and I see his face it starts my day off right. When I have a nightmare and jump up out of my sleep I see his face and I'm instantly calmed. He holds me just to make sure.

I hate my job. I really do. But when I wake up in the morning and I see him, it drives me to go to work. I gotta provide my half for the both of us. I would never want him to go out and hustle all day while I'm at home doing nothing. I'm not a homebody. I have to work. I wake up and I see him and I remember that certain Roc outfit that he wants, or that certain game or guitar book and I get up and get dressed for work.

We're gonna be big one day. Mark my words. We're gonna be the next Russel Simmons and Kimora; Jay Z and Beyonce, Will and Jada if you will. You'll see. But we'll still be the same people. We'll still laugh and have fun. We'll still eat good. Just that we'll be able to provide for each other and for our family and friends. We'll still work hard, doing what we love: music and movies.


Thanx for reading. Until next time... Akanke

HE IS

Actor is the best boyfriend I’ve ever had and the best man that I know in my life. He is. He’s the best man that I know. He raised the bar so high (for my expectations of a boyfriend) that no one else that I talked to could even come close to measuring up to.

He’s on time, and even early, if I need him to pick me up somewhere. He asks me how my day was and genuine cares. He calls me to share good and bad news. He calls me out when I’m doing something stupid. He’s my best friend. He is.

He gives me two straws cuz he knows that I like to drink with two (you get more drink man :-D) He brings me food, heats it up, and bring it to me in my room with his own fancy folded napkins. He cooks for me. He feeds me, even in public. We do what we do, even in public, cuz we could care less what people think or say about us… He’s my personal chef. He is.

He puts gas in my car when he drives it. He checks my oil and everything just to make sure my car is running properly. He washes and cleans my car (even though he’s the one that messes it up 90% of the time. lol) He calls me to say “Be careful” when I’m on the road and the weather is bad. He is my protector. He is.

He buys me flowers “cuz it’s Thursday.” He calls/ texts me “Hi” or “I love you” randomly. He kisses me on my forehead and runs his fingers through my hair until I fall asleep. He rubs his feet against mine when we sleep. Our face touches and we breathe each other’s air when we sleep. He drives my body crazy day, night, and even in between. He is my lover. He is

I don't care about big gestures; I don't care about money. Simple things like that make me love him so much. Even when we’re broke and down to our last half a cent we still have so much fun. Just simple every day things show me that he loves me, and I always try my best to love him just the same, if not more.


Thanx for reading. Until next time... Akanke

THE THINGS I CHERISH IN LIFE

~ Thunderstorms/ Rain/ Snow
~ Sleeping through all of the above
~ Sleeping when it’s cold
~ Good food :-D
~ Thanksgiving/ Christmas dinners
~ Warm clothes, fresh out of the dryer
~ Writing a heartfelt song
~ Hearing a good track
~ Harmonies

* Music is one of my passions*

~ Sitting in the living room with my mom, not saying a word, but knowing that we love each other.
~ Learning how to cook new things
~ Cooking
~ Drinking sweet tea, with 2 straws
~ Playing pool
~ Watching basketball
~ Making jumpshots
~ Walking in the park
~ Hugs, especially when he’s behind me
~ Kisses
~ Holding hands. Holding pinkies
~ Going to Wal-Mart at 2am with my crazy friends
~ Going to Waffle House/ Ihop in the middle of the night
~ Wearing jeans and a T-shirt
~ Bubble baths (if I ever have time to take one)
~ Falling asleep with the music on

~ Hearing a child’s laughter
~ Watching a baby’s toes wiggle
~ Holding a baby and his/her fingers wrap around yours
~ Taking pictures of: the beautiful sky, sunsets/sunrises, buildings, unique shapes found in every day things
~ Falling in love

*LIVE LIFE PASSIONATELY, LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY, LAUGH UNTIL YOUR BELLY HURTS*

REUNITED & IT FEELS SO GOOD

Me and Actor are on speaking terms now. Well, I guess you could say more than speaking terms; we actually like each other again. Lol. Like I said in the previous blog, separation was well needed. We took that time to build ourselves up as individuals, so now our relationship is stronger than before.

The other day we were in the car sharing war stories about the people that we were talking to. He told me of how him and ___ are never gonna be together. She’s done a lot of things that makes him look at her sideways. And the other chick he was talking to is now a stripper. Needless to say, he’s not giving her another call. I told him of how one guy I was talking to was too shy and I couldn’t deal with it. And the other guy was a pretty boy, which makes me wanna puke just thinking about it.

As I was talking about how disgusted I was with the latter, he just started laughing. I was like “What?” and he continues to laugh.
“What?”
and he says “Come here.”
“What?” (squinting my eye, preparing to sock him)
“Come hereee”… so I leaned closer.

And he kissed me. Repeatedly. While driving. He got skills by the way. Lol…
As I caught my breath, I asked “What? Why are you being gay?”
he says “I missed you too.”
I pull back, folding my arms across my chest and struggle to muster up a “Whatever.”
“I diddd. I missed you too baby.”
Moving all the way to the right of the car into my own little corner, arms still crossed, I said “Who said I missed you? You’re gay.”
And he laughs. “They just weren’t you. They wasn’t it. They’re just not my Akanke.”

This is the part where I’m glad I had shades on cuz I was misty eyed and didn’t want him to see. Hell, I was semi-bawling. I did everything I could to force the tears back into my eyes, but it didn’t work very well. He grabbed my hand and locked it with his. We rode in silence for a couple of minutes… I told him the same; told him that I tried seeing other people, but nobody could measure up to him. It was exactly the same for me. They just weren’t him; weren’t my Actor.

You see, I’ll never admit that I was thinking about him the whole time we were separated (well I guess I just did, but if he asks me then I’m gonna run. Lol) Every guy that tried to talk to me I immediately found something wrong with them. Their teeth were messed up, their eyes were slanted wrong, their muscles were weird looking; any diss you could think of, I probably said it. I just didn’t want anybody else. I tried. I tried to expand my horizons and talk to people that I don’t usually talk to and give people a chance (cuz I’m picky as hell) but nothing felt right. I aggravated everyone cuz I kept talking about Actor every two seconds. They said nothing but I could feel that they were irritated with me… Oh well, they don’t have to deal with me, and I don’t have to deal with them anymore.

Thanx for reading. Until next time... Akanke

REMINISCING

Reminiscing about the past couple of months makes me shake my head and laugh at myself. It’s more of a pity laugh. A how can you be so childish and selfish? laugh. You see, I’ve done a lot of soul searching and growing the past couple of months. Going through the motions with Actor, going to Church and getting closer to Him has changed so much in me, and for the better.

I couldn’t see it at the moment, but mine and Actor’s separation was the best thing that could have happened to us. Through the numerous, long, tedious, dramatic, upsetting, horrific, agonizing fights, we’ve both come out better than before. I realized a lot of things on my part. I shouldn’t have blamed him for anything. I shouldn’t have held grudges. I should have communicated more instead of bottling everything inside and letting it explode out of nowhere and he’s looking at me like “What the hell?”… I do that a lot. Holding everything inside that is. Guess it was a survival instinct; a “never let them see you sweat” kinda mentality. I’ve grown used to looking out for myself and taking care of myself all these years that, even when I had someone who loved me more than love itself, I still couldn’t turn it off

I shouldn’t have concentrated so much on what he did wrong to me and focused on what *I* was doing wrong and better myself. I shouldn’t have talked to our mutual friends about our problems. We got everyone involved in our business, which made everything even more complicated because most of our fights consisted of “He said she saids.” It was terrible. I shouldn’t have lashed out at his ex or any other chick cuz he’s a good man. I could see why any woman would want to be with him.

So take it from me my fellow friends: THERE ARE CIVILIZED WAYS TO RESOLVE CONFLICTS!!!

Be patient. Be understanding. Be kind. Love that person. Yes it may seem extremely difficult to even care what the other person has to say at that moment, but DO IT!!!! Before you lash out and name faults in the other person, look at yourself in the mirror and work on you 1st. Communicate more; tell them everything that you’re feeling and why. Don’t just say “You hurt me.” Say “I felt hurt when you did that because…”

Don’t be so quick to judge and curse and go all crazy on your significant other, or any other parties involved. It is NOT going to help anything!!! If you need some time away from each other, do that. Separation gives you time to miss each other and even realize how much you love each other. If you guys never come back to each other then at least you’ll still be friends and not hate each other. If it’s meant to be it will be. Don’t rush it. Don’t push. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. If you try to pull him, he’ll push away just as hard… Just live and learn man. Take care of one another. You’re all each other have in this cold world. And read the Bible. Go to Church together. When you strengthen your relationship with Him, everything else will fall into place. Be blessed ya’ll


Thanx for reading. Until next time... Akanke

DO NOT MURMUR OR COMPLAIN

There are numerous things that annoy me, but Pastor says that you shouldn’t complain or murmur… So I have decided to list the things that I just find so enchanting that I wanna choke it :-)

At the job: (I’m a cashier/guest service personnel)

Rude people

People who put money on the counter instead of handing it to you. Are you afraid that my clean hands are gonna infect your nasty, probably scratched your ass and picked your nose all day hands?

People who come up to your register AFTER looking at your light and seeing that it’s off. And get mad when I throw the peace sign and walk away from my register. lol

People who, after you’ve bagged every single item, say that they don’t want a bag.

Managers who knows less than you and barely do anything at all.

Lazy coworkers

People who come to return something without a receipt, without the packaging, without manners… do you really expect me to help you?

People who hit on me. Get a life!!! I’m at work. Go find somebody else to harass.

People who want me to double bag their M&Ms. Ummm… If you want some extra bags why don’t you just freakin ask for one? Why the heck do you want to double bag your tic tac?

People who come in, buys two carts of crap, comes up to your register, then *gasps* forgot their card, or better yet, “forgot to transfer their money from their savings into their checking.”… Yea. Right. Get yo broke ass outta my line.

People who randomly throw crap that they don’t want anywhere. I have a bin, no, make that TWO, bins that I can put it in. All you have to do is hand it to me… I wonder what your house looks like.

- People who don't respond when you talk to them. I'm like "Hey how you doing today?" and they're just standng there staring at me. What are you staring at? Answer my freaking question!!!

- People who talk on their phone. I don’t care if you’re talking and still putting your pin number in, but if you’re just standing there talking, and just staring at me staring at you like “You have 3 seconds to sign or I’m gonna stab you with my pen.” Yea. Get off the phone!!! *grabs your phone, throws it on floor and stomps on it. Gets in car, runs over it, reverse, runs over it again. Throws it in the river*

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On the road:

Slowwwww drivers. Oh my GODDDDDDDD. The speed limit says 35, you’re supposed to go at least 40. UGHHHHHH. Or how about you go at least 60 or just get outta my way. K thanx :-)

People who have their blinkers on for 8 miles… and never turn

People who know you’re trying to pass them to get from behind the slowww car and they speed up. Oh you wanna race? We can do that.

People who get to the stop sign before you do and just sit there… you’re trying to let them go 1^st so they don’t feel the urge to move when you move cuz they got there 1^st… cuz if you hit me we gotta problem.

People who hit on you. From the passenger seat. Looking like “who done it." I speed off. Their car isn’t fast enough to even catch up.

People who litter. I wanna throw some nasty, smelly, funky trash at your eye. Then make you eat it… Nvm. It’d probably turn you on. Nasty #%$^$*%

Traffic. It’s great. It’s what I live for. What smart person decided that everyone should get off work at the same time?

I swear when I get my Escalade I’m gonna put a grill on the front and ram everybody that’s in my way.

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Men:

Pretty boys. They disgust me. Lol. If you spend more time getting ready than I do then we have a problem. Of course I love it if you keep yourself clean and fresh but if you start pouting/crying when it rains cuz your hair, clothes and shoes are gonna get wet then… wow… (yes, that has actually happened to me *stares at you*)

Arrogant men. If you think you’re better than everybody and that nobody deserves you, you’re probably right. How about you just go marry yourself and have a honeymoon with yourself, looking in the mirror at yourself… There’s a difference between confidence and arrogance. The only “self” that’s good is “selfless.”

- Shy men. It is not my job to hold a conversation with you. I am not a host and you are not on an interview. Do not make me ask you questions and you answer and then it’s quiet again. I want a man who tells me stories and is funny and keeps the convo going. Not someone who’s gonna sit there and just look good.

Desperate Men. No means no. Women know right off the bat if she wants to be with you or not. So if she declines, let it go. If she changes her mind later on she’ll let you know. Stop begging. Stop hitting on her. It makes her run even further away from your desperate ass. There’s a difference between persistence and desperation. Persistence is if you’re cute and you know she’s feeling you but she’s scared to go forward. That’s when you keep trying. Desperation is when she doesn’t answer any of your calls, never wanna hang out with you, tries to walk away when you head in her direction. LEAVE HER ALONE.

- Old Men. Ok. Now this is just gross. You know better. If you have grandkids my age or if your child is my age. Don’t talk to me. Matter of fact. Keep moving. End of story. Period. Especially if you’re bald, have no teeth, and smell like Bengay. Let it go. Go to a nursing home and leave me alone. K thanx.

Thanx for reading. Until next time... Akanke

SPECIAL

Hey ya’ll sorry I’ve been ghost for a minute but I never forgot about ya. Just been doing a lot lot lot lot lot. Got school all morning, work all night, and all the free time I have been in the studio trying to perfect my music. I’m getting ahead of myself, more about that later. Lol… But yea, it’s been real hectic.

But anywhos… I have something really special that I wanna share with ya.

I attended Bible study (it’s a weekly thing for me. It’s my crack. It doesn’t matter what I’m doing or what’s going on, I make sure I get there.) on Wednesday. I had the pleasure of being accompanied by my “brother from another mother.” Lol. He’s my friend in the physical world and also the spiritual. I’ll call him Songs because he is my singing inspiration.

Ok. So I’ve mentioned my pastor before. He’s the greatest. He really connects with each and every single person sitting in the crowd. He’s full of wisdom, has healing strengths given to him by the Anointed one, teaches you exactly what you need to know to strengthen your relationship with Him, and plus he’s ridiculously funny. He dresses very sharp; razor like if you will. He stays in a suit and tie every time we see him. But on this particular day he came out with just a button down shirt and jacket. His wife joins him; they pull up chairs and sit in the middle of the floor. He says “I wanna get personal. I wanna talk to you about Love. About your marriages, about divorce, about anything that you have on your mind. Grab a hold of the mic, stand up, and talk to me. What’s going on?”

One particular man comes up and, long story short, says that he was married for 19 years and she left him. He was the perfect man. Nurturing, caring, providing, and did everything for her, and she just up and left him.

Pastor laughs. He says “Sooo, you were a perfect man, and she just up and left you? Really?... So what are you leaving out?”

The man laughs. “Nothing. I did everything right. I prayed about it and everything.”

“Well you gotta be leaving something out man. Ain’t no woman gonna leave a man that’s all that.”

“No, I didn’t…”

“ You must not have been hitting it right.”

Laughter roars among the congregation. That’s how Pastor is. He isn’t all “Let’s get the Holy Ghost and sing and dance and praise the Lord” He keeps it real. He preaches what you can really utilize in your everyday life. Knowledge isn’t worth anything if it isn’t applied.

“No man, I swear I did everything right… Well… I mean, I wasn’t perfect all the time”

“Oh ok, NOW we getting somewhere.” Lol

Basically his response was: People are selfish. It’s always me me me. I wanna be happy; I wanna be with you because you make me feel good. And when you get hurt you lash out. Hurt people make stupid decisions. People always tend to blame the other person for their relationship failures. It’s always “He/she did that, and he/she did that and that and THAT. And I didn’t do nothing wrong. What you SHOULD do is pray about it. Talk to them. And instead of pointing the finger, turn it at yourself. Ask the other person what YOU are doing wrong and you embetter (sp?) YOURSELF first. When you change yourself people around you will change.

- A woman grabs the mic and says that she and her husband are going through some really rough times. He doesn’t speak to her nicely, the financials are plummeting, and they’re arguing everyday. They have kids together and she wants to make it work, but she’s getting really tired and aggravated and don’t know how much longer they can do this.

Pastor says that according to Him. Love NEVER fails. If you love the person, nomatter how bad they treat you, nomatter how much they try to resist, love will conquer. A person, nomatter how far off, will change for the better if they see how much you love them. Don’t be stupid and stay in an abusive relationship, use your common sense. But if they are worthy, don’t leave them just because you have problems. Stay through the thick and thin, love them, pray for them, and they’ll see the God in you and realize how good of a person they have and turn their life around.

- A woman comes up and says that she and her (female) friend have been best friends for years, even before she met her husband. But he has a problem with them hanging out constantly; he feels like he has to fight for her attention. She doesn’t understand why he is uncomfortable with it since the friend was there before he was even in the picture.

Pastor says “So why didn’t you marry your best friend then?” (scattered laughter. Numerous people seem to agree with her.)

"First of all, your friend is single. Her lifestyle is completely different from yours and you shouldn’t hang like you’re still single. Marriage is the ultimate relationship. One should be devoted 1^st to God, and then to their spouse. Your spouse shouldn’t have to fight for your attention; he should have your full, undivided. No man or woman should come between a husband and wife’s relationship. If they do, then that man/woman has to be cut out of the picture. Period. Pastor says that there isn’t such a thing as “I’m going out to dinner with my friend (person of the opposite sex.) If you’re gonna be anybody’s friend you’re gonna be MY friend. Not my wife’s. You don’t have any business going out to dinner with her. Men are natural initiators. It is unnecessary business."

--

As we were walking to the car I said to Songs,
“That’s so funny. Some of the things that he said you’ve already told me. You’re a loser. You ain’t great. Lol.”
“I know I know, I’m the truth.”
“Shut up. You suck”

The story behind that is: I’m not the same person I was when I met him. I didn’t devote my life to the Savior until last year. My family is Buddhist, but they never really were actively involved, so I basically grew up Atheist. I was always in Chorus singing Gospel songs and praising him, but I never knew Him like that. Yet something in me was always drawn to Him. And when me and Actor were together he took me to church and sealed my devotion to Him. I got saved and from then on my life was never the same… One time, me and Actor had gotten into an argument and I was asking Songs for advice. He told me the exact same things that Pastor said “Love him, nomatter how wronged you feel. Love him, take care of him, and he’ll see it… etc.”

We talked about how our friends should have been there for that service because all of us have relationship problems. Mainly unworthy ones. To God, all of us (being in our 20s, unmarried) are nothing. The only relationship that God sees is marriage. So here we are, sleeping together, living together, getting into arguments about other people and how unappreciated you feel and blahzay blah. We’re acting like we’re married and having the same problems and arguments that married couples have.

People are so territorial. “He’s mine. She’s mine. Nobody can have her but me.” NO. YOU'RE WRONG. She’s not yours; he’s not yours. They are God’s children. They don’t belong to you. They’ll never be yours. Once you learn how to accept that you can both move on, praise him together, live according to his word, and your MARRIAGE will be an everlasting one.

Thanx for reading. Until next time... Akanke

THE MEANING BEHIND IT ALL

Maybe I should explain what my blog means… One day I was browsing through names that I would one day like to name my child (not that I am having one anytime soon) and I came across “Skylar.” It means “Eternal life, strength, love, and beauty.” These are all of the things that I believe in. Life is the journey that I live and learn from. Strength is what I always somehow muster up to get through all of my ordeals. Love is what I’ll always believe in nomatter what happened in my past relationships. And beauty is timeless. Not physical beauty. But inner beauty. The beauty of the arts. The beauty of life, strength, and love… all of these things are timeless. They are everlasting. These are the things that no one can take away from you even if they sell their soul to the devil. This is my blog…

And as I found Skylar, I found Akanke also, which is what I will be calling myself from now on. It means "To know her is to love her.”

All of my life I have been misunderstood. Misunderstood by my parents, my friends, my family, boyfriends, coworkers… EVERYONE… Everyone seems to swear that they know me up and down, inside and out, round and about, and whatever else you can think of. But they don’t know. They seem to have this image of me; this set, frozen, carved in stone image, that if you compare them side by side, contrast each other like water and oil. It just doesn’t mix.

To some I am the stubborn, loose, foul mouthed, rebellious, disrespectful bitch. To some I am the crazy, silly, funny, spontaneous, party girl. To some I am the quiet, emotional, spiritual, think too much perfectionist. To some I am the know what she’s doing, has everything going for her, wish I was her, independent, headstrong leader.

Well guess what y’all?

I am all of these things and none of these things. I am who I am. I will not bind myself to labels. I will not limit my self-identity to what you think of me. To what you want to see of me. To what you want me to be. To what you wish I wouldn’t be… I am who I am. I am a child of God. I am a daughter, a sister, an aunt, a friend, a coworker, a lover. I am who I am…

To know me is to love me.

AT NIGHT I LAY IN BED

At night I lay in bed. And I think about a gabillion zillion things. Maybe this is why I never get any sleep. My bedtime is at least 4, or 5, or 6, or 7, or 8, or 9 every night/ morning even if I have to go to work at 10 in the morning. It’s cool how I’m a zombie at work everyday and nobody notices. Lol…

When I’m all alone, even when I’m surrounded by people, my mind RACES… Not like “Hmm, what am I going to eat today?” but more like the past, the present, the future, my life, my career, love, life, friends, God, family, conversations…etc etc. Imagine playing the lowest note on the piano and moving your fingers to the right, playing in order, getting all the way to the highest note and then smashing your 10 fingers on the first 10 keys that you see, repeatedly, in no kind of rhythm, and then banging your whole arm on the keys, then banging your head on the keys, and then you just jump on top of the piano, stomping on the keys with your torn shoes. And then you grab a grenade out of nowhere and throw it at the precious instrument and watch it explode.

That is how my mind feels every day. And every night. It doesn’t matter if I’m holding a conversation with someone, my mind is still running. It’s like my mind has a mind of its own. Now mind you, I am NOT crazy. Lol. The last time I checked I wasn’t bipolar or schizo or anything of that sort. I just think wayyyyyy too much. Almost borderline unhealthily.

I hate sharing my thoughts and feelings. The only person I tell everything to is God. And I don’t even have to tell him because he already knows :-). And you can catch most of my thoughts in my songs. But besides God, no one can get into my head like that. No one can get into my business like that. I am extremely extremely private. A yellow and black “do not cross” taped, thorn-filled, barbed wired, booby trapped, invisible bubble surrounds me and my thoughts and only the closest of the close can get a glimpse inside. But I only let them know what I want them to know.

So in sharing my thoughts with you (in Dane Cook’s voice) “You’re a lucky bastard/ bitch” whichever you prefer. I will try to be as open as possible. I will try to direct my fingers to type a portion of what my mind is thinking. Maybe in doing so will buy some time for my head not to explode, let others in a little more, discover things that I never even dared to imagine, and help you internet geeks discover something about yourself also :-).

Thanx for reading. Until next time… Akanke